I dont know when this happened but when I use the internet now and try to waste time on the computer, everything seems so fucking boring. I can't really get involved with any community on the internet, maybe because I think of groups on the internet as "communities", which is a very top-level, removed view of things. Everything feels commodified and stupid, and all the people who post on the internet don't seem cool or interesting. Maybe its hustle culture that rotted my brain and doesn't allow me to just sit around and do nothing anymore. I can do it to some degree at a skatepark, or just wandering around random cities that I visit, but even then i constantly feel the itch to move, change, do something, figure something out, go somewhere etc. I can't just sit still and watch the sun move through the sky which is something that I wish i could do. maybe i could never do this.
I am deeply conflicted in the direction I want to go in life because at one time I feel both the desire to make something of my life, find purpose, do something cool, be someone. But I also have a desire to just sit, absorb, listen, wait, just be. These two things can not be resolved and you have to choose one.